The day in which I learned that what happened between us was not sex, but rape, was one of the worst days of my life. I remember it way to vividly, it’s almost like a bad dream. At that time, I didn’t realize it then, but on that day in 2013 when I saw you for the last time I remember feeling so violated. I remember feeling so betrayed. You were the one I trusted. I loved you. I know you say you didn’t know better. And I know some of that is probably true, but I can’t believe that. I can’t believe that you thought you were so different than the ones you shamed and belittled and rattled about. I can’t believe that you saw me differently than all those other little girls you talked about. All while playing the good dad. Taking me to the park. Buying me things I needed. Telling me you loved me. Giving me all the hugs I could ever want. Tucking me in at night. You gave me what my mother never could. Like a real daddy does. How dare you. How dare you lie to me. How dare you fool me. How dare you think you can come to my wedding. How dare you feel sad that you missed out on the last 3 years. How dare you. When you took the one thing I thought was real and cut it to pieces. How dare you think you have any room in my life that I don’t want you in. And today you may have died, and you know what? I’m ok with that. I am ok with never seeing you again. I am ok with you never knowing I have children. I am ok with your lungs never taking another breath. Because you stole my life.
It was rape, even though he was was my dad.
It was rape, even though he claims it was cause he didn’t know better.
It was rape, even though my mother was paid for it.
It was rape, even though some were women.
It was rape, because I could not consent.
It was rape, even though he was my boyfriend.
It was rape, even though we’d had consensual sex before.
It was rape, because I did not consent.
It was rape, even though I was coerced into saying yes.
It was rape, even though I knew her.
It was rape, even though I was penetrated with a gun.
It was rape, even though it was in a car.
It was rape, because I screamed no over and over.
It was rape, even though it only lasted a couple minutes.
It was rape, even though I’d been drinking.
It was rape, even though I knew him.
It was rape, because he held me down after I said no several times.
It was rape. Period. None of this non-consensual sex bullshit. There is sex. There is rape.