It was rape, even though he was was my dad.
It was rape, even though he claims it was cause he didn’t know better.
It was rape, even though my mother was paid for it.
It was rape, even though some were women.
It was rape, because I could not consent.
It was rape, even though he was my boyfriend.
It was rape, even though we’d had consensual sex before.
It was rape, because I did not consent.
It was rape, even though I was coerced into saying yes.
It was rape, even though I knew her.
It was rape, even though I was penetrated with a gun.
It was rape, even though it was in a car.
It was rape, because I screamed no over and over.
It was rape, even though it only lasted a couple minutes.
It was rape, even though I’d been drinking.
It was rape, even though I knew him.
It was rape, because he held me down after I said no several times.
It was rape. Period. None of this non-consensual sex bullshit. There is sex. There is rape.
Lauren was my first love. And I believe some part of me will always love her. She was a very important part of my life…[un]fortunately that was only for a season. Things ended very badly…
I never thought it could happen to me
Not because I’m above it
But because I thought I would notice the signs
I thought I would see the subtleties
I thought my horrific past made me immune
But my past made it easier
And the subtleties were everywhere
I excused them as love
As someone who really cared for me
When things progressed beyond subtle
I was already stuck
I was already making excuses for small things
The big things followed suite
And it was easy
It was easy to be ok with being screamed at
It was easy to hide my emotions
It was easy to let her control
It was natural
And I found reasons I deserved it
I was bad
I was dirty
My emotions were irrational
I needed controlled so I didn’t get out of control
I deserved being held down
And my needs pushed aside
I was ‘paying my dues’
It wasn’t until it cost me a job that I realized
It wasn’t until she didn’t want me anymore that I realized
It wasn’t until my heart was already so in love
Yet so broken that I realized
This is not safe
This is not healthy
This is not what I want my life to be
~ ~ ~
Why does my playlist symbolize
All the good times I thought we had
What you led me to believe we were
Why did you lie to me
Why did you hurt me
Why did you give me a single red rose
Explaining that you were giving me your heart
I held it so gently
While you stomped on mine
While you drug me through the mud
And told me it was all my fault
That it was all in my head
Even the thoughts in my own head
Started to reflect what you told me I was
Though I had worked so hard to think for myself
You swooped in
At a vulnerable time
And made me believe
That I was still on the right path
You had taken charge
You placed yourself in my head
Not a single thought I had after a while was mine
You made me believe it all was
Oh, you are good at your game
You brought me in
Wrapped me tight
To suffocate most of me
Tight enough for me to release control
For one last breath
You let me keep the illusion
That you loved me
Until I wasn’t good enough
Good enough for your love any longer
And then you said “let’s be friends”
And it was downhill from there
Those three words released me into the world
But you wanted me to fight for you
So you could turn me down
You wanted me to beg for you not to leave
Beg you to stay
Tell you I needed you
When I didn’t do those things
You got angry
Had I done that
The result would have been similar
But you would have taken me back
To keep the control
There was no winning with you
I always lost
You always win your game
And when you don’t
It’s “poor Lauren”
It always happens TO you
You don’t take responsibility
And you refuse to see reality
All my life I’ve had trouble dreaming of my future, which probably seems weird for anyone who knows me because I am very strong willed, sometimes to the point of stubborn, and I have such huge goals. The struggle I had was where I saw myself in my personal life, relationships, kids, home-life, etc. It’s always been something that seemed to change and be at odds with each other.
I knew from a very young age that I was gay, I was 5 when I remember my preference for women becoming something I struggled with. As a very young child, preschool and kindergarten to be exact, my grandfather and father would tease me about boys; asking me if I kissed them behind school or on the bus, or if I thought they were cute. When I would show embarrassment they didn’t understand that I was embarrassed because I felt like it was wrong to like girls in the way they were asking me about boys. They saw my embarrassment as, ‘cute,’ as a reinforcement that I did in fact like boys. – With the religious background that my fathers side of the family has, there was no way I was ever going to admit that I was gay, not to them at least. I remember times where my grandfather and father would talk, “homosexuality is of the devil. You will go straight to hell if you even think about being gay.” They thought of it as a decision….
There was a time in my life when I wanted to live in downtown Manhattan. I wanted to be a writer and have a white and silver, all glass, sky rise apartment with my cats. I didn’t want anyone in my life.
There was a time in my life when I wanted to be a lawyer, live in a big house with a big family. I wanted to somehow be superwoman and also be a stay at home mom with my kids, go to the gym every morning, and have a partner…and that is where it stopped. That part would never form, because I had this impeding thought that I was suppose to marry a hard working man, be a stay at home soccer mom, barefoot in the kitchen 9 months pregnant cooking dinner for him. Driving a minivan, running errands all day while the kids are in school, having the house clean when daddy got home.
…As if who we fall in love with is a decision we consciously make for ourselves.
And then I decided to really listen to myself…And everything changed. Literally my entire life did a 180. I started taking note of all of the things that have ever held me back. There is a saying, “Garbage in. Garbage out.” What we take in matters. – As a child I didn’t realize all that I was taking in, to many negative things to list. I was allowing the negative and horrible things that were said and done to me my entire life, to continue to ruin my life and my future. I was allowing my past to hold me back.
In the midst of this realization…Lauren walked into my life. I had only begun this journey, of undoing all of the negative and rebuilding my life from the ground up. She helped me find direction, I was wandering around a little lost and she came alongside me in the most amazing ways. She was my friend, when I needed it most. She is the woman I love. – I am starting to get a picture of what our life together is and will be, it’s so beautiful and amazing. I cannot describe the hope and peace and love and confidence I feel on a daily basis. Yes, there are days where life sucks, but I have my best friend and the love of my life by my side. I wasn’t ready for this change in life when it started, but it has been the greatest journey that I have ever been offered.